Say This, Not That Series

After months and months of intending to consolidate my brief “Say This, Not That” series, I’ve finally done it! Comment below with any phrases you’d like me to add or with questions or feedback. 💙💚❤️💛

Anybody else have an extremely loud child?? Just me? I know I’m not alone.

Max gets super loud sometimes. He’s very enthusiastic, so it’s usually out of excitement or happiness. Which is great! But, sometimes being so loud is a little much or it’s not the right time or place. 

Last night, he was yelling as we were getting ready for bed, so I tried out an old playgroup strategy to help bring his volume down. 

I yelled, “Whoa! Your voice IS AT A 10!” Then I added quietly, “Bring it down to a 3. Like this. Can you make your voice soft like mine?” Bingo! He was able to do it. Max is 2.5.

Instead of saying “be quiet” or “use your inside voice” prompt your child to try again in their regular voice. “Hold on. Try that again in your regular voice. I can hear you when you use your regular voice.”

You can also try using the number scale to give your kids some more specific guidance. This is discipline. We need to teach them with clear, direct instructions. As you start to use this strategy and while your kids are little, modeling is key. Use the volume you want them to use and label it from 1 - 10. 1️⃣ being a whisper and 🔟 being a yell. As your kids get the hang of it, you can simply use the numbers - “that was an 8, bring it to a 5. I can hear you at a 5.” 

This will also work in reverse if your kiddo is soft spoken.

In any discipline situation, your demeanor is important. If you come at them sternly or angrily, it won’t work. They will get defensive and resist. If you remain calm and use a a firm, but gentle tone, they are more likely to hear you and comply. Reach out if you need more help with this! 

I hear this one a lot. All I can picture is child looking back at the adult and thinking, “I know we don’t…I just did.”

My problem with this statement is that it’s just too passive and unclear…it doesn’t help our kids learn a better approach and it’s confusing because the hitting wasn’t a group effort, the child did it. 

So instead, remember that behavior is information. What was the child’s goal? Attention or connection with you or a peer? Emotional expression? Not sure? 

Here are some alternatives:

“Hold on! I think you are feeling mad. You can be mad. Stomp your feet, growl or hit this pillow.”

“Hold on! I think you are hoping to play with Sarah. Ask her, ‘can I play with you?’ Hitting won’t work.”

“Hold on! I’m not sure what your idea is…Let’s figure this out. Hitting won’t work”

Discipline is teaching. Focus on what you want the child to do instead. Be clear and direct with your prompts. My Guide to Giving Effective Directions covers all of this. 

I think whining is a top 5 parent/teacher pet peeve. What do y’all think?

Max’s favorite whiny line is “I want a snaaaaaaack.” When he wants a snack (which is several times a day) he goes into whine-mode from the get-go and it irks me every time. He knows it, so it’s been a hard habit to break. There are lots of other whining incidents too!

When he whines to get something he wants, I stay neutral, prompt him to ask/tell me again in his REGULAR voice (not “normal voice” - we want to avoid sending the message that anything he does isn’t normal. Whining is normal, it’s just annoying!), and repeat back his words in the appropriate tone. As your kiddo gets older or as they get used to the prompt, you can simply say, “try that again” or “try that again in your regular voice” without repeating their words. 

If your child is whining because they have to wait for something or do something they don’t want to do, acknowledge the feeling, set the limit that whining won’t work to change the situation, and provide an alternative. Prompt them to take a break, they can go whine in their room, or you can stop acknowledging it after you’ve addressed it once and carry on with what you are doing (be strong!). 

When our kids do something we don’t like or that’s inappropriate, instead of using the negative commands like “don’t/stop/no (insert any undesired behavior)”, we need to focus on what we DO want them to do instead. Offer the appropriate alternative so they can learn. Simply telling them that what they are doing is unacceptable doesn’t teach anything and can create a power struggle. 

If you’re asking this question, you know the answer (and so does the child). Save yourself some time and get straight to the point - set the limit by offering two appropriate choices for your child. Asking this question can open the door for a power struggle and will just add to your frustration. If your child is doing something that you think isn’t a “good choice” then it’s time for some discipline. Discipline is teaching. What would be a good choice in the situation you’re in? It’s up to you to provide the options and teach your child what’s appropriate. They can’t do it on their own.

Let’s run through an example: Your child is swinging a toy dinosaur around and it’s close to hitting his/her sibling - say, “you can play with your dinosaur on the floor or on the table. What’s your choice?” 

Sometimes the choices are “by yourself or with my help?” or “it can be hard or it can be easy, what do you choose?” Reach out with your questions or for support anytime!

…I will help you when things feel hard. You WILL be ok.”

Or

“…yelling and screaming will not change my mind. You can be mad. Let it out. We can talk more when you are calm.”

You’ve probably heard the catchy original phrase “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” But, kids have fits! It’s what they do. We can’t stop them or will them away as much as we wish we could. They are a reality when working with and raising young kids. The sooner you can accept that, the better.*

Instead of viewing tantrums and meltdowns as misbehavior or manipulation, I need you see them for what they are - a way of saying, “this doesn’t meet my expectations! I’m disappointed and now I’m overwhelmed! Help me!” 

Expect the fits, they are coming! Keep your cool. Validate the feelings. Provide the space to safely express. Help the child regroup or redirect to another activity to move on. Process when everyone is calm. 

I go into more detail in my blog post on my website. Follow the link in my profile or stories.

*This does not mean we condone hurtful behavior or language. We set limits! 

Reach out for a consultation if you need more support. Discipline is personal!

We’ve all heard, and probably used, the old saying. Usually in response to a tease or put-down from a peer or sibling. We wish it could be true. That what others say to or about us, doesn’t matter. But the truth is - words matter. They can hurt, they can heal, they can encourage, they can tear down.  It’s our duty to teach our children the power of language. The effect their words can have on others. How even self-talk can be helpful or hurtful. Words matter so much. 

The next time your child comes to you to share that someone hurt their feelings with words, empathize, validate, and listen. Sometimes that’s all they need from you. A soft place to land when they are hurting. To know their feelings are valid and understood. If the problem persists, then work on strategies to address it. 

If you hear your child saying something hurtful or unkind, step in. Gently (we don’t want to shame) call it out and help him or her understand. “Hold on. Take a look at her face. I think those words were hard to hear and didn’t feel very friendly. I think what you were trying to say is…” Then, provide the appropriate words. Sometimes our kids just unknowingly say unfriendly things. They don’t hear how it sounds or consider another’s feelings because they are caught up in their own feelings. Remember that they are doing their best and just need a little help sometimes.

Turn taking is the best approach to resolve conflict over toys in your home and classroom. See yesterday’s post for my thoughts on sharing if you missed it. I firmly believe that adults need to help children learn adaptive strategies for resolving conflict. The goal is to teach them the strategies and coach them along so they are eventually able to do it independently. We can intervene and help without being a referee forever.

Facilitated turn-taking provides the children with the dialogue so they can learn to take turns on their own. It requires some time and commitment on your part to be present and coach them until they are able to manage these situations on their own. Kids as young as 2 can learn to take turns on their own. They just might need a little help with the time keeping.

Two important elements of turn-taking that differentiate it from sharing are that the child who has the toy feels that their wants are important and they are allowed some time to wrap up their play (aka very important work!).

Let’s run through a situation - Max is playing with a truck and his friend, John, wants it. Maybe John makes a grab for it, maybe he asks for it - either way, I intervene.
✨I say, “John, ask Max, ‘can I have a turn with the truck?’” Wait for John to repeat the question. Max might respond right away or look to me for help.
✨If the latter, I say, “Max, John wants a turn, you can say ‘yes’ or we can make a plan. What do you say?” He says “No” or “make a plan.”
✨I turn to John and say, “John, ask Max, ‘can I have a turn in 2 minutes or 3 minutes?’” Wait for John to repeat, then prompt Max to choose.
✨I tell John, “ok John, it will be your turn in 3 minutes. What would you like to do while you wait?” Help John find something to do so he doesn’t just stare at the toy and put pressure on Max.
✨When it’s time for the hand off, tell Max, “It’s John’s turn for the truck. You can give it to him by yourself or with my help.” If Max is upset or if I know it’s a special toy, I’ll make a plan for Max to get it back and help him find something to do while he waits.